On Compassion

The tension has really ratcheted up in the last couple of weeks.  It seems like people are on edge. Extra nervous.  Almost on the verge of panicking. Is it COVID? Is it the election? Is it the constant uncertainty that we’ve all been under for months and months and months… and months?  So many of us thought that SURELY by the holidays we would have returned to ANY KIND of normal – old normal, new normal, abnormal… something.  But no.  Here we are. 

 

It’s in this unsettled state of existence that my heart has started hurting.  It’s started hurting so much for all the broken people out there.  Yes, there’s been a lot of breaking going on.  Broken hearts, broken lives, you name it, things are breaking.  And there is pain and suffering going on.  And people who are broken need to be seen and heard and understood.

 

I think what’s needed most right now is some good old-fashioned compassion.

 

But do we even really know what compassion is anymore?  Do we know how to extend compassion to others?  Have we forgotten? Did we really even know in the first place?

 

I know my own journey to compassion came with during my journey through mental illness.  I didn’t know what compassion looked like until a few (just a few) dear friends showed it to me.  They gave me space.  They gave me time.  They gave me the grace that I needed to heal.  They even treated me with the appropriate amount of bubble wrap.  And I allowed it because people who need compassion need to receive it.  It’s not a sign of weakness.  It’s a sign of willingness to build relationship.  Which is a sign of ultimate strength.

 

But what I learned about compassion during those days has served me so well.  And I feel so called in these somewhat dark days to extend more compassion than I ever thought possible to more people than I ever thought possible.

 

It all starts with listening. I mean, really listening.  This, of course, takes so much effort, right? So often we’re not listening.  We’re thinking of our next response.  We’re forming our next argument.  We’re becoming indignantly defensive at what we’re hearing someone say to us.  Don’t they know who they’re talking to?  Oh wait… what was it you were saying?  How many times has my husband said to me (in frustration), “I wasn’t done talking….” If only I could listen to the full story, to all the feelings, to the depth of emotion, my compassion might be able to flow more freely.  And that’s exactly what it does.  Because when I listen, I hear more than just the words that are being said.  I hear the stories behind the stories.  I get a clearer understanding of the reasons, the why, the what it means to them.  And when we know these things, how can we help but respond with compassion.  The other person is, after all, a human being just like us.  With struggles just like us. With pain just like us.  With confusion and worry and defeat just like us.  Listening therefore drives us to a compassionate response.  

 

But beyond listening comes the searching beneath the surface. Which means asking questions. Questions are so hard because it means we have to think outside ourselves.  It’s easy to think of ourselves.  In reality, we are all basically self-centered. And so coming up with meaningful questions to ask someone else? It’s tough.  I’m usually the worst at it.  Someone will be sitting in front of me, cup of coffee in hand, looking me right in the eye… and then my mind goes blank.  I can’t think of even one single question to ask.  I’m the worst!  

 

But asking questions is necessary.  Especially during tough times like the ones we’re in right now.  People who are suffering often don’t know how to express themselves.  They need help drawing out their feelings.  They need help clarifying their emotions.  What is it exactly they believe about all the ridiculously challenging issues we’re facing today.  And as they struggle through changing emotions and changing convictions, we can have an amazing ministry of compassion to them.  Compassion, not judgement. Compassion, not ridicule.  Compassion, not derision. What a glorious role we can play.

 

And this role is such a blessing because compassion in the lives of others is all about relationship.  In fact, compassion requires us to put the relationship first.  Being compassionate to others demands that we put aside our own opinions for a moment.  It demands that we open our minds.  It demands that we allow, for a moment or more, that we let emotions rule over logic and reason.  Because sometimes we just need to feel. We just need to sit with someone who is fraught with concern and feel with them.  We need to hear their pain, see them in their time of need, and understand that they just need us to be near.  And to do this?  It means we need relationship to come first. 

 

Bottomline?  It’s time our compassion for others leads us to try empathy. True empathy.  True empathy is not about how WE would feel if we were in their place.  True empathy is about considering about how THEY actually feel in their circumstance.  This is not easy because we are not used to thinking in this way.  It will stretch us beyond anything we’ve ever known.  But our friends, family members, and even strangers are worth it.  We all need compassion right now.  Empathy is the way to get there.

 

If all else fails, though, just extend grace.  Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt.  Let’s let each other off the hook.  Let’s allow each other to make mistakes and make the wrong choices and say the wrong thing.  Let’s be free with our forgiveness.  Because it’s inevitable that the favor will need to be returned.

 

Compassion.  Empathy.  Grace.  Before you react or respond to the next challenging conversation, take a beat to pause and think about these things. It’s the holiday season and I think this year, these are the gifts we all need the most.