Alone? Never.

Yesterday was not a good day.  Sadly, today was not much better.  In fact, I would say that today was worse.  I can't really put my finger on what is wrong, but I need some relief and I need it fast.

However, I was struck today by the fact and slight encouragement that I am not the only one who feels this way from time to time.  In fact, feelings of discouragement, despair, anxiety, and being overwhelmed are surely quite common... especially among women, I believe.  We want things to go smoothly in life.  Conflict is the enemy.  Expectations are generally positive and when smashed to bits we get upset.  We feel depressed.  Tears flood our eyes.  Our bodies become weak and/or sore from the pain of general emotional crisis.  Movements are slow and must be deliberate.

Do we share these feelings with others?  I know I do not share nearly enough.  We think it will show weakness.  It will prove the fact that we are indeed NOT invincible.  It will give others leverage and power over us.  It might even disprove the myth that we've got it 'all together', the myth that we know best for ourselves and/or our children, or... shocking I know... the myth that we are 'spiritual'.  But in fact, we are most 'spiritual' in our weakness and humility.  We are most 'together' when we have to depend on others to support us and pull us through.  We know best when we know that we need help; we cannot do it all on our own.

I am all done with the maverick mindset.  Lone ranger no more.  I am all for sharing, sharing, sharing.  There are not many people in my life who will listen, but I think I want to start sharing.  Perhaps my sharing will encourage others to share.  I want to listen.  I want to really hear the emotions, the feelings.  I want to be intermingled in the emotions of others that they're afraid to share.

As my good friends from Desperate Housewives once said, 'If only I had known you were feeling this way....'.  No more if only-s.  No more hiding.  No more saying, 'I'm fine' when I really am the furthest thing from 'fine'.

I don't care if people think I'm weak.  I don't care if my invincibility declines.  Let everyone else have leverage and power... it certainly has not worked for me.  Let them attack.  Let them take advantage.  I will recover.  I can take it.  I may cry and weep with sorrow, but that is better than the ugly alternative.

What's to gain?  Approachability.  A sense of softness and compassion.  A personality that people flock to... not run from.  Hopefully a decline in overall levels of anxiety and a return to sanity.  The purging of feelings that were not happy being imprisoned inside of me.  I am ready for someone to take care of me.  Someone to listen.  Someone to help.

Now if only that 'taking care' could mean letting me sleep for 5 days and bringing me baskets and cooking me food!  ha ha

Well... I suppose I'll just take what I can get.  Here's to a new tomorrow in which I am never alone and always willing to be genuine and open and transparent.  Watch out, world.

~lk