Wanted: Grace

Why is it that all of a sudden... completely without warning and from seemingly out of the blue... the smallest of things can set us off... turning us into an ugly, horrible, impatient, lashing out person with no self-control and absolutely no 'kindness' filter on our mouths?  The result?  Hurt people... disintegrated reputations... deep feelings of regret and remorse.  An altogether bad day.

Perhaps you are not like me.  If that is the case, then praise God for that fact and please be thankful for the blessing that is a positive exterior and the ability to keep ill-feelings to yourself. Somehow, I am not able to do that.  And although it may sound nice to be 'genuine' and 'authentic' and 'transparent'... I'm thinking that, at least within myself and how I interact with others, it's not actually all that nice.  In fact, it causes pain and is a clear evidence of immaturity.

Apparently I have some kind of disconnect between any source of kindness that is within me and the things that come out of my mouth.  I have some kind of short-circuit in my being that prevents me from using tact.  That prevents me from retaining any sense of personal growth in my interactions with others.   Whatever I want to say, no matter how frustrated I am, no matter how unprocessed my feelings are.... BLURT!  Out those feelings come straight out of my mouth.  Beware anyone within listening distance!

I am hoping there is at least one other person out there that occasionally feels about themselves the way I am feeling about myself at this moment in time.  And so therefore, as I type I'm going to use the pronoun 'we'.  If for no other reason than just to make myself feel better and that I have some sense of camaraderie with someone, no matter how fictional that person may be. 

Why are we like this?  Why do our ugly inner selves rear their intrusive and sharply-weaponed heads at the most inopportune times and in the worst possible of circumstances?  It's as if some people or some topics send us into fits of rage that cannot be controlled.  The meekness God challenges us to maintain or the self-control that should be a delightful fruit of the Holy Spirit working in our lives has completely left our sphere of cognition.  No longer do we remember the 'Do unto others...' rule that had been so 'golden' in our youth.

My only source of encouragement in times like this is that I know for certain that we all have bad days.  I can hope that somehow those who are the victims of my firestorm of words and lack of inhibition with regard to emotional displays can offer me a certain degree of grace knowing that one day they will also have a bad day and I will therefore be called upon to exercise the same amount of patience with them.  

I keep on asking myself to see the situation from others' points of view.  Hopefully others can be forgiving of my bad days and my inability to control my tongue and see it from my point of view.  

If not, I'm in big trouble.

In the meantime, I ask the Lord to help me.  To change me.  To transform me into a person who is more pleasing to Him.  A person who can quietly and with grace speak the truth in love... not in anger or in haste or at an elevated volume.

Therefore, I promise to work on myself and hope that you all promise to bear with and forgive me when I falter.   Oh Lord, please help me with this today and every day.

~lk