Not so small

What do small talk and Lake Huron have in common? Well, I'll get to that in a minute...

But first... it's confession time:

I am the world's WORST Small Talker.

Seriously. I can't do it. Stick me in a situation where all I have to do is talk to someone for 15 minutes about nothing, about the weather, about politics, about TV, about books they've read, about the latest celebrity gossip, about Facebook, about.... blah, blah, blah... any topic you want to name under the sun... and I CAN'T DO IT. Simply can't do it.

Silence.

Blank mind.

Nothing, nada, zip, zilch.

No question to ask; nothing at all to say; no topic on which to expand. Mouth duct-taped shut.

It's quite embarrassing, actually.

After all, as you can see from the above paragraph, I *know* how to chat with people. I *know* how to have small talk. I *know* how to do it. It's just in the execution in the moment that I am a complete and utter failure.

You're saying, "Cut yourself some slack... small talk's not that important..." No, no... keep reading. I think it might be more important that we think.

I believe, actually, that this is a major weakness in myself. In fact, I value this quality in other people. I married a GREAT small talker. My husband can talk to anybody about anything for any length of time. It's fantastic.

But when he goes out of town I panic. How will I talk to people? What if someone comes to the door? What if someone drops by unannounced? Do I have plans to drive anyone anywhere? Do I have to meet any teachers? Any clients? Any friends? Oh no!

So what do I do? I have "surrogate small talkers" on speed dial. Yes, that's right. I hire small talkers. Well, maybe not so much "hire" them as "co-opt" them into lending me their small talking skills. Bribe them with meals and gourmet desserts. Some of them even help me just out of the goodness of their own little hearts. I simply call them up and ask them to come over and talk to people for me. "Hi, it's Leah. I have people coming over and I won't be able to talk to them properly. Will you come and help me talk to them?" Amazingly, people come! I'm so thankful.

I am not so arrogant to think that small talk is not a valuable ingredient to society. Some people put down small talk thinking that it is not genuine, not valuable, not really going deep. Well, perhaps... if that's all you ever do. But I beg to differ.

I value small talk. I think it's an incredibly important ingredient in building the deep conversations and the genuine relationships that I crave. I have come to believe that it takes many small talks, a whole bunch of medium talks, and then one or two large talks before people will really allow you into the deep, genuine, soul searching relationship building friendship-bonded conversations for which I am ever longing. This is what I desperately want. This depth. This over-my-head-so-connected-to-you-in-it-forever-and-ever kind of relationship.

So you can see my problem... I don't think you can get to the depth without first conquering the small talk.

As I was processing this the other day I was reminded of the many summers I spent on the Canadian side of Lake Huron with my mom and my brother at the beloved Pinery Campground. We would spend our mornings and afternoons at the beach. Mom laying on the beach, while my brother and I would spend our time in the water of the Great Lake. The best days were the ones when the waves were big and you could jump and play and risk life and limb playing in the current, the undertow, the "surf".

I was reminded, however, of the fact that the only way to get out to the deeper water was by wading through the shallow water first. Most often, that shallow water was laden with rocks, some smooth and some sharp, that had been washed in by the constant ebb and flow of the tide. It was sometimes painful to wade through that shallow water out to the deeper water where it was more fun to body surf and play in the safety and comfort of the waist or shoulder high waves. You had to make it through the shallow in order to get to the deep.

Just like in life, in relationships. The small talk is necessary in order to get to the deep, the genuine, the long-lasting, the forever.

So in reality, as I reflect a little longer, I'm struck with the fact that the small talk that I'm sooooo bad at really isn't so small after all. It's quite big. Huge, actually.

So I better get better at it. Quick.

Oh boy. Somebody help.

~lk