Feeling "Good"
I just want to feel good.
I'm not talking about my physical health. I mean my emotions, my mental state, my ability to cope with life on a daily basis. I just want to feel good.
I am generally happy, always joyful, working on being content....But sometimes it's just that "good feeling" that I miss... Especially on days like today.
Nothing "bad" happened...there was no crisis, no disaster, no confrontation, no fight...my work is under control, I am making progress in my goals, and the kids are well-fed, studying hard, and in bed on time. The dishes are washed, the laundry is done, I exercised, and even spent time in The Word.
But there are times - like tonight - where the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach has overtaken me, causing me great grief, and I am longing for release.
Why? I ask myself...what could it be?
...the email exchange that did not go exactly as I had planned that ultimately caused confusion, extra work and added keystrokes...
...the phone call in which my inability to communicate clearly provoked a harsh reply or lecture leaving me feeling down and depressed, searching for a hole to crawl into, emerging only after a long, suitable time when it's once again "safe".
...thoughts of an uncertain future while trying to manage today...the wallpaper of conflict set as the backdrop to what's happening present day...ever-influencing, ever-provoking....
...my loss of patience with the kids...again...or wondering how I am going to help them keep up with their studies, how will I help them get ahead when there's barely enough time to do what's required...
Interactions that are relatively small and insignificant throughout the day, but when piled together leave me feeling anxious and unsettled and full of regret. The bold face of my own glaring inadequacies mocking me and reminding me of all the things I'd rather forget.
I try to distract myself by reading a magazine - a book would require too much concentration, thereby leaving my mind open to wander and reflect further on my feelings of dismay. Surfing the web, searching for some humor or something of interest on Facebook or a news page. Sadly, the distractions are not sufficient to pull me out of this slightly deep emotional pit.
I would love to put the work of the day behind me...but that is just not how I am wired. I know many don't understand that, but it's true. There is nothing really 'wrong' ... but surely, at least within my own head not everything is right.
I turn to the written word as my preferred form of expression. Sometimes it is a private, for-my-eyes-only exercise in my journals. At other times, when the pain is not so private, I can turn to the blog, to share with others in the hopes that this glimpse into "me" will meet someone where they are at.
If nothing else, the words, the worries, the anxiety, the doubt gets transferred from my brain to the page, freeing me to sleep, to rest, to be able to face another day afresh. It won't seem quite so bad tomorrow. Another chance for me to do the best things at the best times as I seek to be the best version of me I can be.
I just want to feel good. For now? I at least feel a little better.
~lk
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
I'm not talking about my physical health. I mean my emotions, my mental state, my ability to cope with life on a daily basis. I just want to feel good.
I am generally happy, always joyful, working on being content....But sometimes it's just that "good feeling" that I miss... Especially on days like today.
Nothing "bad" happened...there was no crisis, no disaster, no confrontation, no fight...my work is under control, I am making progress in my goals, and the kids are well-fed, studying hard, and in bed on time. The dishes are washed, the laundry is done, I exercised, and even spent time in The Word.
But there are times - like tonight - where the gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach has overtaken me, causing me great grief, and I am longing for release.
Why? I ask myself...what could it be?
...the email exchange that did not go exactly as I had planned that ultimately caused confusion, extra work and added keystrokes...
...the phone call in which my inability to communicate clearly provoked a harsh reply or lecture leaving me feeling down and depressed, searching for a hole to crawl into, emerging only after a long, suitable time when it's once again "safe".
...thoughts of an uncertain future while trying to manage today...the wallpaper of conflict set as the backdrop to what's happening present day...ever-influencing, ever-provoking....
...my loss of patience with the kids...again...or wondering how I am going to help them keep up with their studies, how will I help them get ahead when there's barely enough time to do what's required...
Interactions that are relatively small and insignificant throughout the day, but when piled together leave me feeling anxious and unsettled and full of regret. The bold face of my own glaring inadequacies mocking me and reminding me of all the things I'd rather forget.
I try to distract myself by reading a magazine - a book would require too much concentration, thereby leaving my mind open to wander and reflect further on my feelings of dismay. Surfing the web, searching for some humor or something of interest on Facebook or a news page. Sadly, the distractions are not sufficient to pull me out of this slightly deep emotional pit.
I would love to put the work of the day behind me...but that is just not how I am wired. I know many don't understand that, but it's true. There is nothing really 'wrong' ... but surely, at least within my own head not everything is right.
I turn to the written word as my preferred form of expression. Sometimes it is a private, for-my-eyes-only exercise in my journals. At other times, when the pain is not so private, I can turn to the blog, to share with others in the hopes that this glimpse into "me" will meet someone where they are at.
If nothing else, the words, the worries, the anxiety, the doubt gets transferred from my brain to the page, freeing me to sleep, to rest, to be able to face another day afresh. It won't seem quite so bad tomorrow. Another chance for me to do the best things at the best times as I seek to be the best version of me I can be.
I just want to feel good. For now? I at least feel a little better.
~lk
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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